Do not be fooled by the serene confidence of the Warrior pose depicted here. My days of late have been anything but confident. Perhaps that is why I was drawn to paint her in Warrior; or perhaps it is the name of the yoga posture that attracts me; for I do feel I am battling. I am battling with fear and panic and they rise up in me and overtake me without provocation it seems. So, simply going through my days take enormous resolve and energy tamping down these tsunamis of inner freaked out-ness.
Oh yeah, I did drop down on one of my medications ; ironically, because I felt I was doing so much better and wanted to see if i could manage without as much medication. And the answer is no, I am not managing well without it. So, after a week and a half, I am going to go back up tonight. I feel defeated. I remember when I did not require medication. When I did not require an anti-psychotic. I hope to someday return to that but for now, I need them.
Additionally right now, I am facing some health scares which have also gotten me into a tither. Lesions appeared and i am scheduled for both a breast biopsy and colposcopy with cervical biopsy. No doubt this is also wearing down my frayed nerves. The unknown threat of disease is throwing this girl who watched both her father and mother die of cancer into a full tilt panic. So I should be gentle with myself. Some of the depression and uncontrolled anxiety – complete with trembling, agoraphobic leanings and inner crying – can be traced to concrete triggers. And it is combining with my mental health challenges to create a virulent blend of yuk that is knocking me off my my equilibrium.
I am sharing this with you as I tend to write positive posts with lessons and insights and lest I fool you into thinking I am so together, I am including a glimpse into a struggling time. Life is beating down on me hard right now. But I am holding onto helpers, tools and the memories of better times.