I am starting this blog with several goals in mind. First, I am self validating my life experiences and healing journey. I am an incest, trauma and abuse survivor living with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I’m well into my healing and am now blossoming. Breaking my silence and self censorship is very difficult but a necessary step for me to live an authentic life. So I am writing my truths in as safe a way as possible.
Secondly, I am offering these accounts and reflections of my life to fill a void I encountered when I started my healing journey. There are not many public writings by and for dissociatives and even fewer (any?) that incorporate the cultural and political issues that shaped (and in some cases, served as cause of) my experiences of trauma. I believe my words can benefit all survivors of sexual abuse and violence. They will just probably resonate more for women of color, US Latinas, queer and all others who live a shared experience with me.
This blog is personal. But my personal relationship to my trauma recovery incorporates a politically progressive viewpoint. I believe the trauma recovery movement will best be served if anchored in an anti racist, working class perspective. The economic and mental health toll of abuse and the high cost of effective healing modalities are issues that society needs to address, not just therapists and clients. Mental health wellness and care is a political issue and affects people in this country in political ways. Where the violence resides, who has access to treatment, how they are received within their culture, etc are all shaped by cultural and political contexts.
A word to survivors:
While I will be sharing uplifting writings and suggestions to help your own recovery, this blog will also speak of my with issues of incest, sexual abuse, racist violence, date rape, etc (you get the picture). I will not post trigger warnings so, Please do not read this blog is you are not safe to do so. If exposure to those issues brings up unsafe behaviors and thoughts, avoid this blog.
A word to anyone who may know me:
I am just now, in the second half of my life “coming out” with the mental illness caused by my experiences of trauma. You may be surprised, as I worked very hard to keep it under wraps since their diagnosis’ in 1980’s. I hope it does not change how you see me, unless for the better. Shame is a tenacious bully in my life to this day. Know that it is so hard to come public, I hope for your support and willingness to hear, learn and accept things that may be very unfamiliar to you.
An important reason for my not naming names nor giving very specific accounts is because of a desire to protect any family members who may read these words and not want nor be prepared for that information. If someone reading this blog thinks she/he knows who did what or to whom I am referring to, I am telling you: do not be certain. You cannot take it to the bank. Carry the nugget of truth in the story and hear the intended message. In no way do I speak for anyone else in my family and my experiences in no way speaks to theirs. Leave my family alone, however tempting it might be to create drama or gossip.
A special note for any of my family members who may find this blog:
You may not want to read this blog . It could stir things up for you and please consider if you want to hear of my experiences with incest, sexual abuse, general abuse and other traumas (not all familial of course). It weighs on a soul to hear of the suffering of someone you love and it can raise things one is not prepared to handle. It also brings to light disappointing facts about people you may know (again, I offer no names but you may have educated guesses) , and that may not be wanted in your life. The identities of perpetrators are not important here; the stories and lessons learned are. That is where the wisdom resides. I am consciously vague where I can be so as not to make this blog about accusations. I thought long and hard whether to write publicly, but I feel I need to reach out to others who can benefit. I do not want to be silent any more. I’m fine today and a thriver; I wish you the same as well.